Coming Home

I cried a lot of tears when I was pregnant. Aside from the increased hormones, I spent a lot of time in agony at the thought that when our baby got here, I'd go back to work. I know some mothers have no choice, but to return to work. I know other mothers thrive on being able to work and come home to their babies. I respect those women a lot. But for me...before I had ever held our baby, I knew my heart was to stay with our baby.

For 9 months, Ben encouraged me to trust God with the desire of my heart. With the state of our finances. I wish I could say I did. But I didn't. I gave up. I cried. I made plan B. Plan B: Ben would watch our baby. It was plan B that I advertised to friends, family, and anyone who asked. And I smiled bravely about going back to work and leaving my baby.

The last 2 months, I've enjoyed Madden. Tremendously. I won't lie; being a parent is the hardest, most daunting, but overwhelmingly incredible role I've ever had. Each day, I spent all day, every moment with him. And I wondered: could I actually handle staying home ALL DAY? And at the same token: could I handle being away ALL DAY? I pushed the questions away and focused on the moment: the moments with Ben, the moments with Madden. I cherished them all.

 Ben began to realize that juggling school, work and taking care of Madden was too much. And amazingly, we looked over our finances and realized: I could stay home. I was afraid to let hope grow. But today, TODAY, I am happy to announce that I will be staying home to take care of our baby full-time. I am delighted. God is good.

I love this child.

I know I look tired, but I am not...I promise. :)

Our Christmas Decorating Story

The reality of our Christmas Decorating Day turned out far different than what we imagined.

We imagined a pristine day (which it was). We imagined Starbucks coffee (which we had). We imagined a cutie kiddo in his stroller as we strolled through the rows of Christmas trees at the local Christmas tree farm (we did stroll and he is a cute kid). We imagined hot chocolate while we decorated our tree (and the hot chocolate was yummy, check out the recipe!).

However, it is as this point our imaginations never imagined what happened next. It all started when Ben asked me if I thought the tree was leaning. I glanced up for a moment. "No, the tree is not leaning." I went back to what I was doing and he went back to what he was doing. 15 minutes later, "Bethany, the tree is definitely leaning." He examined it at the base and decided the bottom limbs needed a little trimming. He asked me to hold the tree. With a baby in one hand, and a tree in another, I held the tree. 20 minutes after he finished trimming, we sat the tree upright and stood back.

This did not fix the tree. I placed the baby in the mama-roo and proceeded to hold the tree upright for the next hour. By this time it is 1am in morning. I'm tired. Ben is tired. It finally looks like it is fixed. So I go to bed. About 30 minutes later, Ben comes to bed, "I took all the ornaments off the tree. It is still going to fall over."

After examining it, Ben determined that the tree is just crooked - naturally. No amount of trimming or adjusting would fix our tree. So, three days after we decorated the tree, undecorated it, tried trimming it and finally just stared at it hoping it would straighten up....we propped it up against the window, stuck some books under the tree stand and declared, "MERRY CHRISTMAS!".

Pregnant Without My Mom

During week 9's update on Baby A, I mentioned missing my mom. And, I left it at that. But, 21 weeks later, I'm ready to pick up that topic again.

As I've progressed through this pregnancy, I've surprised myself with how much I remember my Mom's pregnancies. And yet, at the same token, how much I don't remember. My memory has served me well - helping me remember how she responded to different things...but my lack of memory has also caused much frustration. I remember her cravings (Cherry-limeades from Sonic, for instance), but I can't remember if she just didn't feel well (which makes her seem like superwoman). Thankfully, my Dad has a great memory! He said it best when he said, "I was with her for the 6 years she was pregnant." (8 kids x 9 months = 6 years). So, I've asked him a lot and learned from his memory.

I think about things that she would have made a priority. Like the baby shower hosted for me several weeks ago. She would have definitely been there. Or the fact that all the bedding for Madden's room would have been made by her. Which is probably why I decided to make Madden's blanket. A connection I didn't even make back to her, until a friend of mine asked if that intention was linked to her. After thinking about it, I realized my friend was right - it was definitely linked back to my Mom.

Interestingly enough, I have learned a lot about my unborn child by talking to Cindy, Ben's mom. Listening to her talk about her pregnancy with Ben, I have been able to compare notes to Ben and Madden. The comparisons make me smile because Madden is already like his Dad (but let's hope that he DOES NOT show up 3 weeks late like Ben).

Overall, I have realized how much healing the past 5 years has brought. Sure, I miss my mom. But, I don't feel disabled because she isn't here -I have learned the importance of enjoying life to the fullest...without Mom. I know that seems weird and harsh to say, but it is true. If I remain stuck in the "What if" scenario with my Mom, I will never live life. And, in that, I will truly become crippled by her memory, instead of appreciating my time with her. 

Remembering

This weekend, we celebrated my sister's marriage to the love of her life, Adam. It was a beautiful ceremony. Full of tears, laughs and a couple so in love.

During the weekend, I heard comments about how fast Lydia and Adam's relationship went (they met, dated, got engaged in a year). Then someone asked me if I could believe Ben and I have almost been married for 2 years. Jokingly, I said, "Yes!" In actuality, it really is a mixture of emotions - on one hand it does seem possible, on another hand it seems impossible. Probably because Ben and I have weathered a lot together during these two years. We've fought. We've struggled financially. We've grown. We've cried. We laughed...a lot. We've apologized. We've learned to be more compassionated - towards each other and other people too. We aren't perfect.

In watching Lydia and Adam get married this weekend, I was reminded by how much better my life is because I'm married to Ben. Im sure that Adam and Lydia quickly discover the sweetness of marriage is each other...and how much better it gets with each passing day. Literally. Regardless of what life throws at them (us).

Mother's Day 2011

Duchess. 

That's what she wanted to be called. In my 16 year old mind, I thought it was so weird to listen to my Mom discuss what she wanted her grandkids to call her. But I also knew it was so like my Mom as well.

10 years later, 5 years since she has been gone and 6 months away from her first grandchild making his/her entrance in the world, that name seems so real to the woman I'm remembering. It seems strange for me to realize that my child will never know their grandmother - the personality that would have brought the name Duchess to life with all the elegance, fun and more. Try as I might, Duchess will be a foreign name to Baby A.

I was discussing this with a friend of mine recently and she reminded me that Baby A will see my Mom's influence through the way I raise him/her. Isn't that both fascinating and startling? That all though Baby A will never know my Mom or even recognize her thumbprints in my life, the influence will be there.

To all the Moms out there - Happy Mother's Day. You are loved. Greatly.

Our Family Is Growing!

We are excited to announce that.....Milo is about to be a big brother!

We are welcoming Miko back to our family.

(and you thought it was a real (human) baby!)

My Mother-in-law

I'm being brave. I know my mother-in-law reads my blog. (Hi Cindy!)

I will be honest. I really struggled with the concept of Mother-in-law. Right after I lost my mom, I worked really hard to separate myself from any women close to my Mom's age. It was too difficult. Too painful. Too many memories. Too many "What Ifs".

Ben's Mom is so sweet. Everyone loves her. She loves and gives and helps so many people. She is generous with her time. To everyone around her. Our relationship in the first months of our (Ben and I's) relationship was rocky. In my opinion, my relationship with Cindy was rocky, mostly because of ME: my fears, my baggage, my issues. To be fair, a lot of my crazy, sporadic wedding planning dreams evolved into reality because of Cindy. She took on that wedding not as if it was her son getting married, but as if it was her own daughter getting married. I was very lucky. But, my fear continued to hold me back.

Over the last couple of months, I've changed. I think it was nothing short of giving myself permission. Permission to relax and establish a relationship with the woman who has seen Ben at his worst and lowest points; who raised two crazy boys by herself; a woman I am learning a lot about life from.

She makes me laugh. She makes me feel loved. She has given me survival tips for how to live to tell about Ben's "depression" if his team suffers a loss. She makes me feel like an equal. And, I'm learning how to trust.

But, more importantly, I am happy, thrilled even, to call Cindy my friend.