During week 9's update on Baby A, I mentioned missing my mom. And, I left it at that. But, 21 weeks later, I'm ready to pick up that topic again.
As I've progressed through this pregnancy, I've surprised myself with how much I remember my Mom's pregnancies. And yet, at the same token, how much I don't remember. My memory has served me well - helping me remember how she responded to different things...but my lack of memory has also caused much frustration. I remember her cravings (Cherry-limeades from Sonic, for instance), but I can't remember if she just didn't feel well (which makes her seem like superwoman). Thankfully, my Dad has a great memory! He said it best when he said, "I was with her for the 6 years she was pregnant." (8 kids x 9 months = 6 years). So, I've asked him a lot and learned from his memory.
I think about things that she would have made a priority. Like the baby shower hosted for me several weeks ago. She would have definitely been there. Or the fact that all the bedding for Madden's room would have been made by her. Which is probably why I decided to make Madden's blanket. A connection I didn't even make back to her, until a friend of mine asked if that intention was linked to her. After thinking about it, I realized my friend was right - it was definitely linked back to my Mom.
Interestingly enough, I have learned a lot about my unborn child by talking to Cindy, Ben's mom. Listening to her talk about her pregnancy with Ben, I have been able to compare notes to Ben and Madden. The comparisons make me smile because Madden is already like his Dad (but let's hope that he DOES NOT show up 3 weeks late like Ben).
Overall, I have realized how much healing the past 5 years has brought. Sure, I miss my mom. But, I don't feel disabled because she isn't here -I have learned the importance of enjoying life to the fullest...without Mom. I know that seems weird and harsh to say, but it is true. If I remain stuck in the "What if" scenario with my Mom, I will never live life. And, in that, I will truly become crippled by her memory, instead of appreciating my time with her.