Coming Home

I cried a lot of tears when I was pregnant. Aside from the increased hormones, I spent a lot of time in agony at the thought that when our baby got here, I'd go back to work. I know some mothers have no choice, but to return to work. I know other mothers thrive on being able to work and come home to their babies. I respect those women a lot. But for me...before I had ever held our baby, I knew my heart was to stay with our baby.

For 9 months, Ben encouraged me to trust God with the desire of my heart. With the state of our finances. I wish I could say I did. But I didn't. I gave up. I cried. I made plan B. Plan B: Ben would watch our baby. It was plan B that I advertised to friends, family, and anyone who asked. And I smiled bravely about going back to work and leaving my baby.

The last 2 months, I've enjoyed Madden. Tremendously. I won't lie; being a parent is the hardest, most daunting, but overwhelmingly incredible role I've ever had. Each day, I spent all day, every moment with him. And I wondered: could I actually handle staying home ALL DAY? And at the same token: could I handle being away ALL DAY? I pushed the questions away and focused on the moment: the moments with Ben, the moments with Madden. I cherished them all.

 Ben began to realize that juggling school, work and taking care of Madden was too much. And amazingly, we looked over our finances and realized: I could stay home. I was afraid to let hope grow. But today, TODAY, I am happy to announce that I will be staying home to take care of our baby full-time. I am delighted. God is good.

I love this child.

I know I look tired, but I am not...I promise. :)

Working Thru Grief

It has been 5 years since my mom passed away from cancer. This year, all I've been able to reflect on is how far I've come....specifically, how I've processed through my grief. Grief is so different for everyone. What works for me, may not work for everyone else. I am not an expert at all just someone sharing what worked for me.

1. Embracing all the emotions.
Anger. Tears. Laughter. Fear. Abandonment. All these emotions have come at different times. Different moments. I've learned to accept them when they come. It helps me and removes the feeling of drowning.

2. Talking.
Talking about my mom. Talking about my feelings.

3. Counseling.
Going to see a counselor was wonderful. I felt I was given the tools to understand my grief.

4. Support Group.
I joined Students of AMF and the opportunity to meet with others who had experienced loss...specifically loss of a parent, sibling was so beneficial. So invaluable.

5. Community.
My closest friends have never been timid about talking about my mom...or my feelings. It is a true sign of friendship when a subject is not taboo.

6. Difficult Days. Difficult Moments.
I know the days that will be particularly hard. Those are almost easier to handle than the moments. The moments are unpredictable and come suddenly. Preparing for them is impossible, so I have no choice but to embrace.

7. A book.
A lady gave this book to me for my dad. He read it in a day, it took me months. Every sentence was so raw and so aptly described how I felt. The book is "A Grace Disguised".

I've learned that life goes on. And, that I will not live my life feeling handicapped by my loss. Healing does come and for me, Grace brought it.

How One Friend's Journey Inspired Me.

I don't think I am naturally positive. I mean, I prefer a good tragedy over a comedy, and would rather make people cry than laugh. I'm not like my dad who says he is so positive even his blood is B positive.

That isn't me.

But several months ago, I began to notice a change in a friend's facebook statuses. That change went from random statuses just like everyone else on anyone's friend's list...to statuses of thankfulness. She called it the journey towards a changed perspective. Just like a regular creeper, I found myself going to her facebook page each day just to see if she had updated her status and what she was thankful for that day. It felt awkward, I'll admit. We lost touch years ago, so I even got paranoid she would "defriend" me and THEN I WOULD MISS OUT ON HER STATUSES. (She didn't.) What intrigued me was her statuses boasted of nothing glamorous. They were refreshing normal and honest, but always thankful. Always - even down to unfolded laundry and stressful days at work which were reported IN THANKFULNESS. Eventually, the creepiness of my consistent following turned into curiosity. Could I do it? Could I write a status of thankfulness, too? It seemed both incredibly easy and overwhelming. And, should I ask my friend for permission to copy her idea?

Then, I realized I'd never do it if I didn't stop over-analyzing. So I did it. And, I didn't even ask her permission. Then, I did it again. And again.

Only to realize that a status of thankfulness is refreshing...for me. It reminds me how good and full and abundant my life is. How blessed I am. How content I am. And, how happy I am....(which suddenly makes me think I am becoming more like my dad each day.)

Baby A Update: Week 27

To be honest, Week 27 was not kind to me. At all. In fact, it was the roughest week in my pregnancy yet!

Here is a rundown of my not-so-great week:


- Feeling nauseous for 3 days in a row made for a rough start for the week. I know how fortunate I am to BEGIN to feel sick at Week 27, but it still made it rough.



-  Meeting a client for the first time and being told that I didn't look pregnant, I just looked chubby. Thank you?

- Being asked out by a man twice my age. It was creepy. HELLOOOOOO! I'm not only happily married, but PREGNANT! Interestingly enough, it reminded me of the story when my Mom was asked out while pregnant with me (ironically, I think she was between 6-7 months pregnant too!).

- Almost getting in a car accident...TWICE in the same night. Neither time was my fault, but that didn't stop me from freaking out.

- Realizing how much life is changing. I'm not talking about life after pregnancy, but I am talking about changes in relationships and friendships BECAUSE I am pregnant, because I am having a child. Pioneering this stage of life is not "fun" when you feel alone. So, this has been such a difficult thing for me to grasp (hopefully, I'm not alone?!?!) and it has caused me to be very emotional.

Ouch. That was a lot of heavy topics. Let me end on a good note:

- Madden is moving MORE THAN EVER. And, I am noticing his reactions to hearing people. Some people he moves according to their voices, but others who are unfamiliar or loud, he grows very still. It makes me laugh so much! (Speaking of noises, the dogs are running around the house chasing each other right now and barking and Madden hasn't stopped moving at the sounds of their shenanigans!)

- He also consistently moves between 10am-9pm. On that schedule, there is NO DOUBT he is definitely Ben's child.

Feeling Like Home

It's amazing how nice it is to finally relax.

March was stressful. I'm not sure why, but I think it has to do with a lot of activity took place in March. And, all that activity left me plum-worn out. For real. As excited as we are that Baby A is on his/her way, that announcement left us overwhelmed and stressed out. You know the entire: HOW ARE WE GOING TO PAY FOR A BABY? As a planner, all this hit me hard.

The reality is that life throws stuff at you when you are never ready or never prepared. At ALL.

So, between our baby announcement, two siblings' announcing their engagements, and our move, I was exhausted. I had no motivation at all. In fact, I was relieved to pack up my sewing machine. What's more, I didn't want to craft anything or sew or read or cook or bake. And, those are all some of my most favorite things to do. All I wanted was to settle down and settle in. To our new home.

And, settle we did. Thank goodness. We've established a place of rest, dreams and potential. I'm excited. But, more importantly, I'm relieved to finally feel like I can relax.

How do you relax?

News Flash: We Moved

I am THRILLED to announce we MOVED! And, it is only fitting that I announce it here as my blog has seen Ben and I go from RV living to Apartment living to now a little home! So, we moved and it all took place a week ago, actually. It all started when we realized that with two dogs, Ben and I...we had no room for Baby A. Thanks to Ben's incredible ability to make things happen, the move took place quickly.

 

Milo & Miko

Ben and me.

This move has brought a lot of anticipation. And, boy, oh, boy, am I excited! Because you KNOW what that means?!?!?! Let the DECORATING BEGIN! *happy sigh*  We moved into this adorable space:

I have already made so many plans...allow me the SHEER pleasure to explain what is up my sleeve. Let's start with the stairwell. Because my art collection has grown (quickly), the amount of windows in the living room and dining room will limit where I put things. Or so I thought until I saw this post by Young House Love:


For the laundry room, I'm drooling over this:

To get this beauty: go here.

I am planning to make my own shower curtain using this AWESOME fabric -

Ikea: ANNAMOA Fabric

There are a couple of things I want to finish before I give you the grand tour - but that will be coming! So, stay tuned.

Feeling Famous.

In college, I participated in Students of AMF. While I wish my Mom was still here, the support of AMF was invaluable. Which is why I am so excited and honored to announce their new website:

www.studentsofamf.org

And, my story is on the front page.  I am so excited about this because I truly hope it will encourage others and empower people, particularly college students, to reach out for help for their grief.

Sing To Me

Ben and I are planning and talking about concerts we would like to attend. Much to my surprise, my list has become quite large.

1. Owl City
2. Florence And the Machine
3. Kellie Pickler
4. Lady Antebellum 
5. Hanson
6. Justin Bieber
7. Rosie Thomas
8. Ingrid Michaelson

 That is my list. For now. Who do you want to see?  

The Milo Shop: A Proper Introduction

In my excitement to announce my Etsy shop, The Milo Shop, I kinda skipped over WHY I've opened up my own shop.

Over the past year, I have embraced creativity. I have embraced it with a growing boldness and a desire to do more work with my hands, textures, colors, and more. This has come out in different ways - decorating my home, adjusting my wardrobe, starting my blog, and now my Etsy store.

But there is more. I have a strong desire to work for myself, to own my own business, to turn my creativity into a business. This part has been extremely intimidating. I've spent so much time doing research, pouring over blogs, articles and more. But, my favorite resource? Etsy's Quit Your Day Job series. I L-O-V-E that series because it gives me hope...Hope that those series aren't for everyone else, but for me.

This is bold for me. This is taking a huge leap of faith. This is embracing the potential of my future. But I'm excited for the journey. 

Do you feel like you are embracing your dreams? Do your dreams scare you? Do your dreams motivate you?

Me Time.

Dear Blog,

I feel like I should apologize. I know I've been MIA. I know you feel like I've forgotten about you. I guess saying "I haven't" doesn't justify my actions, right? Well how about a different answer? I've been in a very reflective state. All I want to do is curl up with a book and read (and I haven't plenty still begging to be read!). Or, curl up on the couch and watch TV. Or just be still. This is a weird place for me. I'm not use to it. I like action. I like being with people. But lately, I've needed the atmosphere of home, the comfort of my bed or couch and the dream-induction-state that only a book or movie can produce. Nothing is wrong, I promise. I've just needed ample "me" time.

But...I'm back! Soaking up the last of Summer's warm rays and not quite ready to stop my indulgence of "me" time...but I'm back. For sure. I've missed you, blog. I've missed you, Readers. I have a lot to blog about, too! So be prepared. In the meantime, I want to know: What do you do for "me" time?
Sincerely,

Bethany

In Celebration Of...My Birthday!

It's my birthday! I'm planning to celebrate ALL DAY LONG! Wahoo! I'm especially excited to see: 

My sisters: Lydia and Marianna. Photo Taken by Tupelo Photography

I hoping to enjoy some of these:

Cupcakes

And, finally, I will be dining at one new restaurant: The Treehouse. You can read about it at Southern Flourish's blog.

It is going to be a good day!

Kick Off to My Birthday Week....

Its my birthday week. Yes, I'm one of THOSE annoying people who count down to their birthday.

(If you must know, my birthday is 4 days away!!!)

So, let's start off by talking about...me. Here are a couple of things you may or may not know about me.

1. I love L-O-V-E.
Not just because I'm married to an incredible man, but because I love hearing others' stories of how they found love. Is there any better story to be told? It is really incredible to me that the Creator of Love would put a longing, a hole, a desire, in our hearts to be loved. And, I'm thankful to be surrounded by many people who love me.

2. I have a growing and increasingly strong attachment to - fashion.
I cannot help that I catch my breath when I see a picture of the latest style coming down the run way.  BE.STILL.MY.HEART.

3. I am paranoid.
Which is why I get up an hour and 15 minutes before work to make sure I'm NOT late.

4. I care deeply.
Ben's step-mom has GOT to stop posting pictures of abandoned animals on Facebook. It is absolute torture. Um, HELLO, we have a $500 pet deposit which is a great hindrance to my rescue cause.

5. I talk in storybook form.
Believe me, the way I talk on the blog - like we are two friends yapping away at a coffee shop - is EXACTLY how I talk in person.

6. I NEVER exaggerate.
ME? NEVER.

7. My name.
I love my name. A lot. I think this comes mostly because my parents did NOT name me until THREE DAYS after my birth.

In honor of my birthday celebration, what else do you want to know about me? Leave a question(s) in the comments, and I will answer them.

Pedicures.

This morning, I woke up refreshed.

Which, is quite the statement. Lately, I've been working long hours, many hours...for the last couple weeks. It's gotten tough. I've gotten stressed out. So, when I clock out and go home, I let the stress go. Well, sorta. It comes out messy. I make everything bigger and worse than they actually are. I cry. A lot. And, to be honest - sometimes, I think that the world is falling apart.

This week, my stress has brought out some strange things in me. Like, waking up in the middle of the night to convince Ben that I needed a puppy. Specifically, THIS puppy. And, that this puppy (who I would name Mopsie) needs me. And, then I was rude to a friend of mine. Who, in return, promptly bossed me around. I was shocked, but it was exactly what I needed!


Then there is Ben. Who listens as I make a situation seem bigger and more ridiculous than it actually is and nods his head as I ramble on. Who holds me while I cry. Who helps me keep the perspective that maybe, just maybe the world isn't falling apart. Ben knows what I need when I can't see past my stress. It is so comforting to know that the man I married is INCREDIBLY thoughtful.

Several nights ago, Ben planned a girls night for me with my closest girlfriends. It was a complete surprise. He reserved pedicures for me, for my friends, because my birthday is coming. Because I had never had a pedicure before. It was blissful. It was relaxing. It was fun. And, I'm not sure if my jaw hurt from laughing so much or talking so much! It was perfect. I let my stress go. But, more than that...I felt loved. By my friends who traveled and sacrificed their evenings for me. By Ben. Especially. Sometimes, I wonder how I lassoed this man who knows how to plan and make moments perfect while leaving me speechless and feeling oh-so-loved.  But, I'm not complaining. My toes look good. My heart is lighter. And, I'm keepin' Ben for the rest of my life!

My Thoughts On Ice Cream Trucks

Source

Please. PLEASE. PLEASE tell me I'm not the only one in the entire universe who finds ice cream trucks creepy?

(This is were you nod your head in agreement like a bobble head).

In the last couple of months, I have come to observe ice cream trucks. A lot. Ice cream trucks come in and out of our neighborhood. And, my conclusion? THEY ARE FREAKY! In fact, I find  them so unsettling, I have made a list of WHY they are just so horrible.

1. Don't take candy from strangers.
Remember when we were kids and our parents would say - "If a car pulls up and the person offers you candy (or ice cream) RUN AWAY..."???

2. Stay away from Kidnap Vehicles.
Haven't you ALWAYS thought that those creepy vehicles ARE WEIRD?

3. SANITATION
Health rating. How long have those ice cream treats been in THAT truck? Did that ice cream truck driver WASH HIS HANDS?

Of course, I have a very logical response to ice cream trucks. I do the most natural thing ever.

I run and hide. I stay in my car. I stay in the closet.

Obsession

Confession: I have an obsession.

I am obsessed with this blog. Seriously, I am. And, today, I realized just how freakin' bad this obsession is. Today, I kept count of the number of times I thought of my blog, my readers, and what I was going to write next.
I lost count. HELP! I might need therapy. 

I do know that I have, in fact, thought of all of you and my blog and the next subject of my blog at two make that THREE distinct times.

1. The shower. Approximate time: between 6:15-6:45 AM! While I was scrub-a-dubbing it up and in the midst of having of decide: Do I want to smell like Lavender and Chamomile or Coconut and Lime? And, should I have REALLY bought 'messy-tousled look' shampoo for this already crazy hair of mine? I thought of my blog. AND my readers. (Are you wondering WHY IN THE WORLD you read my blog? If not, don't worry - I'm wondering for you. Thank you for flattering me with your attention.)

2. Lunch by myself. Yes, I am have SUCH confidence in myself as a woman that I go to lunch at nice places by myself. I enjoy every second immensely. Oh, wait? What is that? Okay, you caught me. I had lunch with my Blackberry. Either way. It was BLISSFUL.

3. The-moment-I-stood-on-a-kitchen-chair-announcing-to-the-world-I-HAVE-NOTHING-TO-WEAR-and-then-Ben-laughed-at-me. Otherwise known as: More Days than I'd like to admit. Either way, it makes good blog material.

Oh, yes. I have a serious issue. Thanks for putting up with me. It gives me food-for-thought. (Ha!)

The Jam and Jelly Aisle

Several days ago, Ben and I went grocery shopping. I l-o-v-e grocery shopping with Ben. We have a system. We contemplate the same things: What cereal should we buy? Which coffee flavor? I teach Ben how pick out the best watermelon. And, he teaches me how to buy the most meat for the best price. We hold each other accountable - "Noooooo, we do NOT need ice cream. Even if it IS buy one get one free."

But the other day, Ben went to get butter. When he came back he found me standing in front of the jam and jelly aisle. He said nothing. I guess he could see this was a serious moment in my life.

source

 

I take finding the perfect jam very seriously. It goes back to my childhood. My mom would only EVER buy grape jam. No matter how I presented an impressive presentation of WHY raspberry, blackberry, APRICOT was better than grape, we STILL left the grocery store with grape.
I know, I know, I lived QUITE the troubled childhood.
So, NOW. NOW that I'm grown. I take my time in the jam and jelly aisle. I contemplate all the flavors. I consider what would taste the best on toast, in a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich (my favorite!). Then, I slowly make my choice.
My most recent choice - Blueberry. Wow. Its awesome.

The Long-Day-At-Work-Recovery Plan

I'm not a fan of long days. I'm not a fan of being tired. Seriously. I'm pathetic.

What? You don't believe me? When Ben wrote his Happy 7 months blog to me, he highlighted number 8 as:

My wife is so pitiful in the mornings, when I am at work, and when I have to leave. You have never seen a grown woman look so sad to see her man go.

He is so nice to me. I wish I could chalk up being pitiful to JUST Ben's leaving for work. NOPE! It is FAR beyond that. 

Believe me. THIS girl wants to be pampered and taken care of and until it happens - I'm down-right pitiful. For instance, this week at work we've been working crazy-intense long hours. I don't mind it. But, when I get home, my body aches. All I want is a nice bubble bath, a good book, a TV show to watch. All at the same time. And nothing else. Oh wait. Except rubbing. I want Ben to massage my aching legs. And my back. And my hands. Ben is kind enough to rub. He rubs and rubs and rubs and rubs. For hours, sometimes.But its never enough. EVER. I've even categorized it as rubbing parts 1,2 and 3. There is regular lotion. There is foot-only lotion. The poor guy doesn't get a break. The other night, Ben said, "Honey, if I don't stop rubbing I'm going to have arthritis."  My heart stopped. STOPPED. I felt horror creep in.

 

ARTHRITIS? ARE YOU SERIOUS? 

 

Of course, I said the first thing that came out of my mind - "Don't. Stop. Rubbing. PLEEEEAAASSSSEEEE."

The Basket.

Ben's surprise blog post was wonderful. No joke, I think I teared up about 500 billion times whenever I would think or read or re-read it. It was precious. I'm a lucky girl.

Ben's post, however, did bring up a VERY important story that I MUST tell you. One which I cannot believe I have failed to tell you. Until now. When, I correct my absence from the blog...AND tell you a story. How perfect, right?

I'm sure you know the girls who change a thousand times before living to go to the grocery store, work, church, dinner with friends. Do you know that girl? Well, if you don't, look no further. It's me. I'm THAT girl. It's embarrassing.

I'm also the girl who not ONLY changes a thousand time, I also leave evidence. All over the entire room - you will find various piles of clothing and shoes and everything else. I can't help it. If I have two minutes to change and have to decide between: super cute outfit or picking up clothes. UM - HELLO. I'll take ONE super cute outfit.

My other half, Ben, is OCD. Yes, the man is a neat-freak. Love him dearly, but his OCD-ness once scared me so bad, I almost broke up with him when we were dating. True story. It didn't take long into our marriage for Ben to realize several things:
1. Our bedroom floor would always display the remains of my frantic search for super cute outfit.
2. His OCD-ness could not handle the chaotic-aftermath to finding super cute outfit.
So, he brought in re-enforcements. (Because marriage is all about compromise!) He introduced me to the basket. This basket would hold all my abandoned outfits. He was nervous - could one basket save our marriage? Could it be the solution to my, *COUGH*, "problem"?

It was more than a solution. It was a drastic life change. Now, if I can't find anything to wear, Ben refers to the basket (it's his cheaper solution to my ever present plea: "I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR! I MUST GO SHOPPING").

The basket. How we love it.

What You Say About My Blog...

"  Bethany, I am so mad at you."    About a week ago, my heart dropped to my stomach when one of my friends said that to me. All I could think of was: What have I done?

Never a fan of confrontation (WHAT.SO.EVER)...I was nervous (okay, TERRIFIED), to ask how I had offended her. "Bethany, your BLOG!" I belched out a roar of laughter as relief soothed over my nerves. My friend continued. "I spent over an hour and half reading your blog. It's so funny." Then, just days later, while at dinner with the same friend and her husband...he said - "I just found out we had a blogger amongst us."

I felt all James Bondish. You know, sly...sneaky...smooth...I felt all under-cover-like. I felt like the mom who doesn't HAVE to announce that her kid is THE honor student. I felt like giving my very own Academy Award speech. I felt like I was a celebrity. I felt important. I think you get the point.

Anyway, I really cannot express ENOUGH how much I love getting comments. Or sparking a conversation on a friend's Facebook status. Or, helping multiple friends waste time exploring all the interesting finds and blogs I love.. Or making you laugh (and me, too...AND, especially, Ben...He is my blog-laugh-o-meter. If HE doesn't laugh, it doesn't get published on the blog).

I never want to forget ya'll. Those who faithfully follow and read (THANKS, DAD!)....or you silent lurkers. I cherish you all. Thanks.

Ways I K-N-O-W I'm Growing Old...

I just keep hoping it was passed down to me...The women in my Mom's family overflow with one distinctive trait: they age well.

I hope I have that trait. To be honest, the thought of growing old, gathering wrinkles that cling to my face, looking droopier than Eeyore...generally scares me half-to-death. This came up in a conversation recently, so I thought I would share some ways I KNOW I'm getting old.

(source)

1. When I find ONE gray hair and I ask Ben if he'll still love me. Then I contemplate dying my hair...NOW. Ignorance is bliss, you know.

2. When we hang out with friends and by 10:00pm, I'm begging Ben to take me home. Because "I CAN'T keep my eyes open for ONE MORE MOMENT."

3. When Ben and I have this conversation:
Me: I'm thinking about getting botox.
Ben: HAHAHA!!! Yeah. right.
(Ben looks at me. I stare blankly at him. His eyes grow wide)
Ben: You are serious. (notice this is a statement, not a question)
Me: Yeah. I am.
(Ben then proceeds to make fun of me by doing a one-sided-stiff-face-conversation.)

4. When I don't want Ben to squeeze my face because it may cause wrinkles, I stand in the beauty aisle in stores looking at Anti-Wrinkle Cream.
 
5. I read fashion magazines.
(to gather tips of how to disguise my body's imperfections with clothes...I'm sure you wants me to share, right? SORRY! That is why they are called SECRET beauty tips.)

In-spite of all this...I guess I really shouldn't be too worried. I still get asked if I just graduated from highschool.