In college, I was never bored. Never without company. Never without conversation. During the course of my 4 years of higher academic pursuit, I was never without friends. This was a big deal to me. I love people. I crave that interaction - that face-to-face conversation, the hours spent in someone's company. I am a people person.
But more than that, I had experienced the intense feelings of loneliness before. Pre-college, I spent a lot of time by myself. Wanting friends and wondering what was wrong with me? There were too many tears, too many unanswered questions and too many promises to myself: Just get through this and never gain. I promise.
Post-college, I learned the value of being alone. Enjoying "me" time. This is something I was once afraid of, but now I cherish it. I don't need it a lot or often, but I enjoy it when I get it.
Lately, however, I find those pre-college feelings creeping up. I'm walking down an all-too-familiar and all-too-dreaded road. I'm lonely again. Yet, now, I find myself beginning to be discouraged. My lack of quality interaction, conversation and people investment, leaves me sad and paranoid. Sad because I love people and I love to hang out with friends. Paranoid because I can't help but wonder if it is me. Have I cut people off? Do I not seem welcoming? Friendly? Those promises of long ago seem unreal: Once again.
I don't like to seem like a sad-face with this blog. But, sometimes, I feel like I HAVE to be honest with you all. My life isn't always full of fun and happiness and sunshine (although, I TRY SO VERY HARD!!), and while I am happy with my life, I do struggle. And, this is an area of my life that I am struggling with right now.
Thank you for listening.